Friday, February 23, 2007

Patisserie Croissants in Times Square

7th avenue and 44th street. A small, incredibly overpriced bakery in Times Square. I was being dropped off from a job (holding a boom mic over Charlie Murphy's head!) and saw a big pile of Black and White Cookies in the window. Well, how could I not...?

It was $3.25. WOW! Expensive. Really crazy. It should be only around $2. Yeah. O.K. Control anger. O.K.

So I brought it home and sat on it (not literally) for a day, and tonight took it out of it's bag.

to find this:

AUGH! Maybe I DID sit on it. Cracks had form and the cookie was falling apart inside it's plastic wrap. It looks like the Phantom of the Opera.

I gently, GENTLY, unwrapped the plastic and placed it down on a plate.


...And it all fell apart into a thousand pieces. Now it looks like Steve Buscemi from "Fargo." "I GOT FUGGIN SHOT..IN THE FASHE!!"

Oh well, on with the show.

I took a bite of the vanilla side.

Nothing. All I taste is big fat cake.

I took a bite of the chocolate side.

BOOM. Huge chocolate taste. Very disproportionate to the vanilla side. It tasted like really strong Hershey's Chocolate milk, when you put too much syrup in the glass. It was very good. But maybe too strong. Still too much thick cake though.

Note: The icing was kind of rubbery and I was able to actually peel it off. Observe.

I ended up not being able to finish the cookie. Maybe the fact that it broke apart took the fun out of chomping out of it. Or maybe the mission of eating so many black and white cookies is destroying me. This is the 2nd one in a row I couldn't finish.

This is my mouth. It's so tired.

Sorry about that.


Sunday, February 18, 2007

POP Diner Black and White Cookie

Me and my friend Dave went to a diner on Queens blvd, called POP. This is POP:

That's me on the left.

Anyway, POP isn't a GREAT diner, but it's Halloween color scheme and forced sense of fun gives me unexplainable intense urges to drive there during the dead of night.

Dave had a giant omelette and I had a piece of apple pie, that was surprisingly giant. HUGE. It was like 20 apples. Except unhealthy. And with whip cream, which I spread around the crust like frosting. And I had a "extra thick chocolate milk shake." It was basically a giant glass f
ull of chocolate ice cream. Did I mention when I got home I had a splitting headache, and then started feeling nauseous right before bed?

As we were leaving, I saw a bunch of black and white cookies. Dave convinced me (it wasn't difficult) to buy one for this old blog. As I grabbed it out of the basket, I noticed HOLY CRAP! It's HUGE! Everything in this place is huge! It also looked REALLY good. Huge and mishapen and homemade. Mmmm.

So the next night I prepared myself the meal. Here is the weird, misshapen cookie.

Holy crap!!! Put on your 3D Glasses people, because we're going to take a journey across the rocky caverns and strangely textured terrain of this monster cookie.

Lunar landing! We have reached surface! There appears to be stretched out dents in the land, possibly from plastic wrap tightening over the icing. Let us explore further!

We have climbed over to the chocolate side. Bumpy rocky protrusions are making their way to the surface, along with rolling hills and a caved in border, possibly the result of an ancient earthquake or continental dividing. MAGNIFICATION X100000...

Is there a face in that Mars rock?

It appears some chocolate side has been melding with the vanilla. So much that it pops out a bit towards the center of the planet's surface, and the brown crust can even be seen a full inch UNDER the vanilla when looked at closer:

A hidden valley of chocolate under the vanilla! For miles and miles!

OK enough of this:

Bit vanilla (as you can see.) INTENSELY HUGE lemon taste from the cake. HUGE. Vanilla? No. All I can taste is the cake.

Bit the chocolate.

(P.S. Look how HUGE this cookie is in relation to the plate...)

Didn't taste it. Just the cake. A hint of chocolate. But it mostly tastes like a cakey cookie you'd get at a diner.

Tried to keep eating it.

Blergh. It's getting really hard to finish this thing. Its like eating 10 pancakes. All I taste is cake, and the vanilla side ESPECIALLY is becoming increasingly unpleasant to choke down.

Eating it has ceased to be fun.


Finally it was over. Though normally my plate is wiped clean, I just couldn't bear to finish the remaining crumbs. Even looking at them made me sick.

Don't get me wrong. The cookie was good. I mean...every black and white cookie tastes GOOD (except Fernando's....) But some are just...not THAT good. And make you sick halfway through.


Monday, February 12, 2007

KING RICHARD Black and White


Noble Jordan the 1st, in misrememberance of his camera's batteries, must etch with weary hands the telltale story of King Richard the Cookie, of Mt. Vernon, New Yorketh. King Richard had cake of darkest brown, unusual for a cookie of his ilk!

"And what a gray day" proclaimed his servant, Lorelee, "I would weep!"

"A fool sees a gray day," smirked the King. "In my hearts eye, the day is Black and White!"

The hand of God smashes down. Bitten is King's vanilla side.

Ouch! Teeth surprised at rock hard bite! Vanilla barely there, under rusty dirty taste of cake that's old. Sugary flavor, unmemorable. Strange cake taste!


Darkness arrives, and gobbled aside!

Rubbery texture, like biting toy of dog!
Chocolate tastes good, but not very strong!
The cake on it's own is filled with delight
The flavors on top are all too slight!

"I will not be bitten," yells King Richard, "by the cursed likes of thee!
To toil and rule, under a golden red sky,
Lambs at my feet, crown on my crown,
No God bites without consequence,
No man is bitten without rage!"

As final bites commence, shining angels descend.
The King is King of the Underworld now,
as his final words spelled out by falling trees
his ghost decrees,

"My cake was brown
My vanilla was hard.
My chocolate was rubbery,
My flesh has been marred.

Oh, the foul, sickly life of a man.
He speaks and no one hears,
He cries and children laugh,
Under a fool's moon, and a howling sky,
I am only too glad to die."