Le Bon Cafe

Today's cookie review is from Le Bon Cafe in Penn Station, NYC. Every day when I'm pushed home from work, I take the 5:38 pm train from Penn Station. It's becoming so routine that I recognize all the people that take the very same train.

There's Beardy and Weirdy, a couple (one guy with a really long beard, and a hipster crazy eyed girl who is always with him.)

Then there's Cute Girl of Indeterminate age (I can't tell if she's 15 or 20, but she's cute, and she looks like she may not even speak english, or maybe she does?)

And then there's big fat guy who is always asleep wearing headphones, presumably a subliminal hypnosis weight loss tape playing. I'm assuming none of these people are aware of this blog.

There's also Jewish Guy Who Is Always On Cellphone. He wears a Yamaka. He's always running onto the train at full speed and looks really stressed out. Probably from having to be Jewish all the time (I'm only Jewish like once a year, and lately not even.)

And last but not least is Unbelievably Hot Girl. OK, I only saw her once, but she's worth a mention. I literally did a double take as I stood up from my seat to leave and saw her. She looked like she came from another dimension. Why does she even need a train? I always imagine people who are that hot don't need to be transported, they can somehow just appear wherever they want.

Well anyway, I went into a little place called Le Bon Cafe, and saw they had shrinkwrapped black and white cookies. For those who don't know German, Le means "His", Bon means "ugly", and "Cafe" means "butt." Despite the name, the cookies looked good, and they felt soft and fresh.

I had left the cookie in my cookiebag (or, my "bookbag") for 2 days, and in the process it became smushed, the vanilla icing being lifted off the cake and sticking to the wrapping. HOWEVER, this was entirely different than the last cookie I ate, who's rock hard icing I was able to pop off the cake like a lid on a pringles can. This new cookie's icing came off because it was moist, vulnerable and sticky (JUST HOW I LIKE EM, WINK WINK!)













I plopped myself down and checked this shit out.


Mmmmm. The vanilla side was very good, just as I figured it would be. I was able to peel it off the wrapping and slap it back on the cookie. It was chewy and had a real natural vanilla taste, not too sugary.

WATCH OUT! HERE I COME!



Sorry about that, everybody.

Then I tried the chocolate side.

Pretty much the same. Very good and fresh, chewy. I enjoyed eating it more than the vanilla side.




You can tell from this picture that the chocolate was very fudgey.



My only criticism is that the cake was virtually tasteless. I tried eating some of it by itself and it had no discernible flavor, unlike some of the strong lemony flavors I'd taste in other cookies. It was still decent, but a really strong cake flavor would have put this cookie OVER THE TOP! OVER THE TOP, JERRY!



That's actually a picture of me draining milk INTO the glass. I don't know where it comes from.



-Jordan

Hot and Tasty

Hello Cookie Crew!

Union Turnpike. This rounded corner that merges Kew Gardens road into Queens Blvd is where I've emerged from the F and E train most of my life. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this particular area. Some days I'm so sick of it, I never want to come out of that subway again. But it's hard to not be nostalgic, though is it possible to be nostalgic for something I still pass by every single day?

One of the less consistent things about this area has been what business actually takes shop on this corner. For a long time it was a Nathan's. Then a few years ago it became a "Hot and Tasty" bakery, with pizza I have no interest in trying, as an incredibly great pizza place (La Rondine) is only a few feet away. Besides my theory is, if pizza isn't a place's primary concern or reason for being (i.e. a bakery also having some pizza too if people want it maybe!) then it can't be too good.

I took a drive over to buy a black and white cookie.


Check me out in my car. I'm an adult.




Here was their display.


And look, some cute chocolate rats!



It's funny for a city to chocolatize it's flaws, like it's rat problem. Let's see some chocolate bad traffic too! And chocolate homeless. FREAKIN' CHOCOLATE GULIANI!


So I wasn't able to eat the cookie until a few hous later, and it wasn't shrinkwrapped or anything. I'm not sure if it became stale or was ALREADY stale, but when I bit into it, it was....INCREDIBLY STALE. Rock hard and completely and wholeheartedly unpleasant.



NO COMMENT.


I bit into the vanilla. The vanilla icing FELL OFF in my mouth. You hear me? Is anybody listening to this? The vanilla actually SEPARATED from the cookie in my mouth, as if they were just barely hanging on to each other in the first place.



It was good though. The vanilla. Kind of sugary and "nice" as I wrote in my notes (it's been a few days since eating, I'm sorry but my memory isn't so good right now.) The actual cake was pretty crappy but I enjoyed peeling off the vanilla and eating it.




Next I tried the chocolate. It managed to hang together with the cookie but it wasn't very good. It tasted like really cheap chocolate. Like Choczel's brand chocolate.



Like when you buy some really cheap weird brand of candy you've never seen before, and at first bite it tastes good, then after a few bites you go "ohhh, now I see. This sucks."




Something that MAY be of interest is that the vanilla icing actually had chocolate icing UNDER it. aaaaaaHA!!! I was already suspicious when the vanilla fell right off, but it seems that it was actually hiding what may have been a FULLY CHOCOLATE COOKIE that had some vanilla slopped on top of it like a cheap paint job on a shitty car.




As you can see, I could barely finish this thing. I don't know if the cookies are always stale and crappy or if I had some bad luck.



Actually I would bet most of the cookies I review probably taste wildly different from night to night. But that would imply this blog is a completely useless waste of time, and of course, that would be crazy!??




Well I've gotta go not go to sleep, then wake up exhausted, then be tired all day at work, then come home, and not go to sleep again, and etc, etc.



-Jordan

New Star Cafe

Where have I been and Why haven't I been eating cookies?

I've been very busy with work, and have not had the luxury to go out of my way to find new cookies.

Not that I haven't checked -- every time I pass a grocery store I look in to see if there is a brand I haven't reviewed yet. EVERY time. And every time I see Joey's, Allison's Entenmann's, Muffins n' Stuff, etc, etc. All the brands I've already done.

Currently I am incredibly sick with some sort of cold and haven't left my house.

I promise I WILL update this blog soon, when I have ONE GOD DAMN SECOND.

Ok bye bye!



-Jordan

Amici 519 8th Avenue

A new day job, and about a ton of new grocery stores, delis, bakeries around where I work to look for Black and White Cookies. On the way to the subway, I stopped into RANDOM DELI-BAKERY-GROCERY-STORE-PLACE-THAT-ALSO-HAS-PIZZA (there's like 100 of them around their) called "Amici" and saw a "brand" (?) of Black and White Cookies. Just shrinkwrapped with a price label on it.




I wonder where these come from? I've always had this sinking feeling that I am unknowingly reviewing the exact same black and white cookies (when they aren't brand names), like they all pretty much come from the same place.

So I bought this nameless cookie and managed to find time during the week (which is very difficult now) to eat it.

I thought it would be fun to take a tour of my journey to eating cookies!!!!!

First I am sitting in my chair in front of my computer. I get hungry and realize I'm not eating cookies at the moment. Something must be done!

So I go towards my door! So the door hasn't been touched since I was 12 or so. That's a Radioactive Man Meets Bartman poster, with bird poop all over it (my bird sits on top of the door all the time), and also Beavis and Butt-head stickets and Halloween cartoon stickers, an Addams Family bumper sticker, Superman, Batman, Ghost Rider, and Wolverine stickers. On the other side is a Kids in the Hall Braincandy poster, a They Might Be Giants sticker, 2 props from one of my student films (the fake dollar bill and the Knife Job Application), and a penny I scotchtaped to my wall for reasons that are only my own.





Look down the stairs! Inviting? Hey I like this picture.





This leads to the LIVING room. You can see a big comfy chair, and a big comfy TV.




Then I look in the mirror and hate myself. NEXT.



I walk through the dining room to...




THE KITCHEN. Source of both pain and pleasures.


The refridgerizer is opened so I can get some milk. Next to milk is whip cream. Hopefully I won't be too tired and mix up which one I take.




Then I take a glass. Shit, they're all upside down. How am I gonna pour the milk in?




Then I go through the "junk" drawer and take some Oreos and Pretzel Fish, because eating a giant chocolate and vanilla cookie isn't satisfying enough for a disgusting diarrhea factory like myself.



Then I look at myself again and feel sad.



OK so I finally sit down, and I bite the cookie.



Oh my god. I'm not gonna lie, I have 5 different sets of notes from cookies I've eaten for this blog, and I don't remember which one is this cookie. I feel like a slob. This was eaten a week ago. I'm such a fucking moron.

Ok, I think I found the right piece of paper (i write these notes on scraps of paper) on my floor. Ah, yes, this is the one.

Vanilla -- it tasted weird. Kind of like a butter cookie. Very very buttery and different. Not great, but buy it anyway, cause it's a cookie don't ya know?




Chocolate - it was good, king of like chocolate ice cream.

I could barely finish it. My appetite isn't what it used to be now that my schedule is all different.



I was finishing up the last few bites...

But holy...what the...?? Barbecue sauce??

I taste BARBECUE SAUCE.

How???



What more can be said?

I'm falling asleep anyway. No more 4 AM cookie blogs. I'm on an unfathomably shockingly awfully exhaustingly early schedule now.




-Jordan

Fame Diner

Fame Diner on Union Turnpike is one of my favorite diners for a few reasons.

1. Free cookies by the register to grab on your way out.

2. Good jukebox with Violent Femmes first album and also the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack. Something particularly funny would be to play the profanity filled dialogue tracks (interspersed throughout the CD with the music) for every booth to hear.

3. Baked apples. Only diner near me that has them!

4. Far enough away from my house to feel like I'm actually "out."

So the other night me and my friend Dave went..."out"...to Fame diner. For the first time they had Black and White Cookies. I didn't eat the one I bought for several days, so it may have gone a bit stale, which I'll try to keep in mind when reviewing.




Oh my god! While googling Fame Diner for some images I found this review:


horrible diner, dirty,nasty clientle,somebody always arguing with the cashier, who yells. Almost always trash beneath the table.


Wow! I never had this experience at Fame.

So I unwrapped the cookie and bit the vanilla side.



Ah! The cake was more like an actual COOKIE than cake. Could this actually be a real black and white COOKIE? It was a bit tough, (stale?), and tasted just like the free cookies at the register. The vanilla had a bright, tasty flavor, but honestly there was so much cake that it was hard to register.



I bit the chocolate.

Nothing. I taste nothing but cake. I could not describe the chocolate. This was all about the cookie, and the icing was a subtle decoration.

While this may not sound good, I enjoyed the cookie and it tasted better than when the icing is too strong or sugary or thick. It was a bit dry (stale?), and as you can see I had to carve out giant chunks of cake in order to make it through the meal.







IN OTHER BLACK AND WHITE NEWS:

Kelloggs has released Vanilla and Coco Krispies, or "CocoNilla Krispies." For anyone who doesn't know me, I pretty much eat Coco Krispies every day for breakfast and have done so since I was in elementary school. I was excited about this...black and white cookie-like, and a new twist on a huge part of my life.



There's my bird Bob next to the box!

Ehhhhhhh. Basically the vanilla drowns out the chocolatey taste, and the chocolate drowns out the vanilla, and this cereal tastes like nothing. I assumed it would be one of the best cereals I've ever had and I'm extremely disappointed. I'm trying to get through the box so I can go back to my old standard. It seems like it gets soggy really quickly and is nowhere near as addictive as regular Coco Krispies. Sorry everybody!





-Jordan

So I was putting up fliers for "DRUMMER WANTED" (any drummers out there?) and I proceeded to walk into a nameless grocery store around Thompson street in the lower west side. I see Black and White Cookies with an oddly small plain white label on them.

The brand name is...



Master Baker Black and White Cookie.



Ahhhh what are you doing to me. Well, here we go....

This cookie was masterbaked very well. In fact, they must masterbake a lot! I can see it now, just masterbaking all day and night. Or maybe they masterbake once in the morning and then at night? Maybe they sneak in a little masterbaking during the day, when everyone is at work? Some people think masterbaking is unwholesome, or wrong, but how else besides masterbaking can you get out such a good product? This filthy masterbaker has MY respect, anyway. Since I haven't had a girlfriend in a year, I know i should be doing a lot masterbaking (see...because i usually go out to eat when I have a girlfriend...)


First I tried the vanilla.


It was incredibly soft! Masterbaked with care! The vanilla was like from a delicious cupcake. They must have practiced masterbaking a lot to know how to make such good vanilla frosting!

Then I bit the chocolate.


The chocolate was even softer. Kind of generic tasting but I ate it up fast! The cake also tasted very very good.

However something struck me as strange...each time I put the cookie to my mouth to eat, I smelled something weird and gross. I checked, it was not my hands. It was definitely the cookie. It tasted kind of like...well...maybe someone masterbaked and forgot to wash their hands. It smelled kind of sweaty and weird. This actually upset me because I fully endorse this cookie, it was one of the best I've had in a long while, and yet the smell really turned me off.

OTHER NEWS: Oreos have released this delightful and ha-ha playful variation on their cookie - -


They are long oval shaped Oreo cookies with INSTRUCTIONS and measurements for dunking (i.e. "1/2 full, 3/4 full") You can bet I dunked that shit all night. SLAM dunked. This MAY have been the funnest I've had eating a cookie, or maybe ever, in my life, ever.



Anyway, I learned that when you "masterbake" a cookie, it comes out GREAT, but smells BAD.









masturbate.


-Jordan